*Or: the straight guy’s guide to dating a transsexual woman.

 

Some guys will see a tranny and it’s like their higher brain functions shut down.

 

It’s like all the blood is being directed elsewhere. It’s understandable.

 

Even the smartest most charming of men can struggle to string a sentence together. And often when they do, they say all the wrong things. Awkward, embarrassing things – they can be deal breakers.

 

It can be hard.  But the talking part shouldn’t be the hard part.

 

It’s why I’m going to make this very, very simple.

 

This is a guide as to what not to say to a transsexual girl. Not only will I be helping you hook up, I’ll be helping every transsexual out there who is tired of hearing the same things over and over again.

 

So, here’s the first rule: take time and Think carefully before you say a thing, you can blow the whole deal with the opening line. But you know this already.

 

If needed, you can buy time by winking suggestively and smiling first, it will give you the few seconds needed to remember the short list of guidelines that follow. Besides, a sexy wink and a nice smile is always a good opening gambit, no matter who you’re hitting on.

 

If you get lucky with a tranny after reading this you owe me. Seriously, I’m improving your chances no end. You’re going to want to thank me for this. You can start by buying me a drink.

 

Love

 

X

 

Lavinia Sonderberg Beck

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. “Are they real?”

 

I figure that if I can answer this question for you now, you’ll never have to ask a tranny, it’s going to save you a lot of embarrassment and rejection, so here it is:

 

No.

 

Very little about us is real. Our names our hair colour, our tans our eyelashes, you name it.

 

What does it really matter? What is real anyway? This is also a philosophical question, but there’s no way I’m getting into to that.

 

A lot of things about us are not real – but real enough. That’s all you need to know, the rest you can find out for yourself.

 

 

 

 

2. “I’m straight you know...”

 

For the record:

 

Men who like trannies are not gay.

 

I’m not gay either. Trannies are not gay.

 

I only like straight men.

 

Gay men are gay. That’s why they’re called ‘gay men’.

 

Gay men are most definitely not into trannies. And we are not into them.

 

When you say things like, “I’m straight you know...”, or “I’m not gay...” it’s like a confession of insecurity. Don’t be insecure, it’s ok. Everything is fine.

 

You are straight. We know that or you wouldn’t be interested in us. We’re glad that you are straight; you don’t need us to validate anything. It’s not something we really want to do.

 

I hope I’ve cleared all this up.

 

 

 

 

3. “I’ve never been with a tranny before...”

 

We don’t want to know this. It’s like confessing that you have no idea what you are doing. It’s not particularity encouraging.

 

If it is your first time, relax; don’t make a big deal out of it. You’re a guy, you’ll figure out what to do.

 

 

 

 

4. “How big is your!@#* ?”

 

If a man starts off a conversation along these lines it means one thing: he’s basically telling you he thinks you’re a slut.

 

Think about it this way, would he have asked a nice girl that question? Maybe not that particular question, but you know what I mean – such a direct personal, intimae and sexual question? No.

 

I’ve met so many men that will hit on me, tell me how ‘not gay’ they are, and then ask how big my !@#* is.

 

For my money, it counts as two strikes.

 

Besides being low rent, it’s like confessing that you are a selfish lover. It’s an admission that you’re fixated on your fantasy and not on the lovely transsexual girl sitting next to you.

 

 

 

 

5. “Can you still get it up?”

 

Strike three.

 

Refer to the answer for the previous question.

 

 

 

 

6. “I’m (insert number) inches”

 

Good for you.

 

While it’s nice to know, we’ll ask when we want to know. It’s also vulgar. Vulgar is a turn off.

 

Also, if you’re relying on the size of the thing to close the deal think again. Yes, it’s good that you’re a big boy, but frankly, it’s not a dealmaker.

 

And you know what they say ‘... it’s what you do with it’.

 

Playing the ‘big’ card early in the piece is like placing all your cards on the table.

 

It’s like saying ‘I can’t offer you much in the way of charm, company or conversations, but I do have this big thing down here...’

 

There’s a time and a place for this kind of information, if we want to know, we’ll find out.

 

 

 

 

7. “Did you really used to be a guy?”

 

It’s also a self evidently stupid question. And you don’t want to look stupid right?

 

This is also one of those metaphysical questions. You could say transsexuals are born transsexual; we’ve always been transsexual, that’s who and what we are. So the answer is ‘no’.

 

But the answer, by another definition is also yes. So unless you want to have a philosophical question and unless you’ve got a brain like John Raulston Saul or Alain de Botton, it’s a discussion I’m not interested in having.

 

 

 

 

8. “How long have you been a tranny?”

 

You can refer to the answer above for this. The answer is the same.

 

Also, what does it matter? It’s intrusive and unnecessary and you really want to avoid awkward moments with us.

 

 

 

 

9. “Have you had the operation?”

 

Asking this is not the ideal way to find out; this is like confessing that you are a selfish lover. It’s an admission that you’re fixated on your fantasy and not on the lovely transsexual girl sitting next to you.

 

If you want an answer to this, the best strategy is to be charming and buy the drinks, you’ll find out for yourself.

 

 

 

 

10. “Can we go to your place?”

 

This is like confessing you have a wife and three kid’s home waiting for you. Or a girlfriend who has no idea what you really fantasise about. Or that you live with your parents. It can mean many things.

 

None of these things are good things.

 

 

 

 

11. “Are you working?”

 

Asking this is like telling a girl that she looks like a prostitute. This is never considered a compliment. Even if it is true.

 

Most transsexuals are not, it’s a mistake to associate being a transsexual with being promiscuous or being a prostitute, we’re mostly just regular girls looking to have a nice time.

If there is price negotiation to be had, you’ll find out.

 

 

 

 

One simple rule

 

When it comes to hooking up with a transsexual girl I can make this really simple for you, I have one piece of advice that will help nearly every time, and it’s this:

 

Treat us the same way you’d treat any other girl.

 

It’s that simple, if you wouldn’t say it to a girl; don’t say it to a tranny.

 

Because that’s what we are, we’re just girls. And we are as easy to hurt and offend as any other girl. Be gentle, patient, kind and respectful and we will like you for that.

 

 

 

 

That’s it...

           

One day soon you’ll be at a bar or a  club and you’ll see the most amazing transsexual girl. She will be stunning. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

 

Before you race over there  and say anything stupid, you’ll take a nice deep breath, flash her winning smile, wink playfully, and remember everything I’ve told you.

 

And you will have a lovely time.

 

And if you’re really, really lucky, that girl will be me.

 

And if it is, remember, you owe me a drink.

 

Good luck.

 

Love

 

X

 

Lavinia

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you

 

If this was useful, you could do me a favour. Re-post it, forward the link, cut and paste it, re-publish it, anything is fine by me; you have my permission, just as long as you credit me and publish my e-mail address. It’s just that I’m trying to get a book deal and being just a little bit famous may help, or so I’m told.

 

You can also find me here:

 

E-mail: laviniadarling@gmail.com

Twitter: @darlinglavinia

YouTube: www.youtube.com/user/laviniadarling?feature=mhum

 

Thanks again

 

X

 

Lavinia Sonderberg Beck

Sydney, September 2010.

 

Beside lipstick and a suntan I wasn’t wearing very much.

 

And what I did wear, you could see through.

 

I liked the idea that I was going out looking like I’d just jumped out of a cake at a buck’s party.

 

I look a lot at strippers, hookers and pornography and know what kind of girls men fantasize about. And that’s what I try to look like; I try to look like a man’s fantasy.

 

I want to look like the kind of girl men fantasize about. I really do like to dress like a guy’s wet dream.

 

My plan for sleaze was, as usual, to figure out how little I could wear without getting arrested – then accessorize – I chose a whip and a pair of handcuffs. Which came in pretty useful later that night when ‘Peter’ insisted that he’d been ‘very naughty’ and deserved to be punished. I obliged. I like to help.

 

Not that Peter’s line was particularly original; I’ve heard the exact same line used on me maybe 20 times. But Peter offered me a pill for my trouble, and as I said, I do genuinely like to help if I can.

 

It’s really interesting to be me sometimes.

 

I’m always amazed by what people will give me in exchange for a little attention; drugs, money, drinks, transport… as I’ve said many times, god only knows how much I could make if I was a real prostitute.

 

Actually, I know the answer to this. But I don’t want to get into details.

 

The more over the top I go with my ‘look’, the more this happens. It’s much more interesting for me to go out looking like a transsexual prostitute than it is going out looking like a real girl.

 

I think going out dressed like a showgirl send s a message, one that encourages men to be ‘up front’, if you know what I mean. And I like that.

 

It’s just that I get lied to a lot. Guys will tell you anything; promise you anything to get into your pants. Lots of sweet talk and empty promises and I know it’s all lies. When you look like a hooker they cut to the chase.

 

And if I can’t find a real relationship with a nice guy, which is what I really want, at least this way I know where I stand and get to have uncomplicated fun. So in a way, looking like a tramp is more honest. No one has to pretend that this is going to go anywhere.

 

It used to be difficult sometimes, some guy would come up to me and be all sweet and charming and then figure out that I really used to be a guy and freak out and it was all weird and awkward. This doesn’t happen when I look like a transsexual prostitute.

 

I’m not trying to justify being promiscuous or anything. I’m not even really trying to justify looking like a call girl. It’s fun. I enjoy it and I think that’s justification enough. I mean, does it really matter?

 

There’s another thing about dressing up like a prostitute that I like.

 

I like looking like someone else – I like dressing up as a man’s fantasy. I like being a man’s fantasy.

 

When I dress up as hooker I usually put on a wig, if you’ve seen me you know that my hair is dark brown and shoulder length and slightly wavy, I have normal ‘girl’ hair, boring. But my wigs, they’re a different thing all together. I’ve got dead straight jet black wigs with hair down to my waist. I’ve got big messy ‘bed hair’ wigs, platinum blonde curly wigs; I love them because when I wear them I don’t look like me.

 

Combine this with a tonne of makeup, fake eyelashes and everything else I do and there’s no way you’d recognize me.

 

I look in the mirror and I look like some exotic stranger – a fantasy. Some guy’s wet dream.

 

It’s like wearing a disguise. So when people see this hooker standing by the side of the road in a pink g-string, they don’t know it’s me, if you know what I mean. I’m not me, I’m some hooker standing by the side of a road waiting for a cab. I’m not Lavinia. I’m someone else.

 

So really, it’s easy to get out of the house looking like this. It’s easy because it’s not me people are seeing, it’s just some fantasy I’ve put together. It really doesn’t mean anything.

 

There’s another thing about looking this way that I really like.

 

I like the power of it. This might sound weird. But there really is power in it.

 

It’s not ‘big’ power, but sexual power is real power. Men will do pretty much whatever I want if they think it will get them what they want. Drinks, drugs, money; anything. Not for long, but for a few hours at least they are mine. I fucking love it. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t abuse it, I don’t just take and take. If I accept anything from a guy I make sure he knows the deal. I don’t promise anything. I don’t lead people on. I lay out the deal and if they take it, they take it, if not, I’m cool with it. Whatever I take is only what they are happy to give. No one gets hurt. Men want me to be their fantasy. And sometimes I’m happy to be that fantasy.

 

I’ve thought about this a lot. I don't think it makes me a bad person. Am I?

 

I really don’t want men to like me. I just want them to want me.

 

Even when I did go out looking like a real girl I’d go out looking for trouble.

 

Nowadays I go out looking like trouble. It’s all part of the plan.

 

Actually, it is the plan. It’s the only plan I have.

 

It’s so much more fun looking like trouble. It’s also less work – people find you.

 

My Sleaze Ball fun started before I even arrived at the party.

 

There I was, wearing a see through lace corset, a black g-string with a pink lace bow at the front, 8 inch heels and clutching a whip standing on the side of the busy main road in front of my apartment waiting for a taxi.

 

Within 2 minutes a car had pulled over and some nice young man was offering a ride ‘anywhere I wanted to go’, not being crazy I declined. Two minutes later it happened again. Two minutes later some guy was asking e ‘how much’. Cars were slowing down to look. Men driving their girlfriends home were pretending not to look – I can tell.

 

I was creating a traffic jam.

 

I know, this was probably dangerous, but I figured it was in front of my building and there were plenty of people around. I just wanted to see what kind of a scene I could create. You know how much I love attention.

 

No wonder I have so much trouble in relationships.

 

Maybe it’s where I’m looking.

 

Maybe it’s how I’m looking.

 

Maybe it’s just me.

 

X

 

Lavinia